The first time I was aware that my body was being viewed as anything other than functional was when I got dumped in year 8 because "I had a fat arse." I was genuinely confused as to why a spotty teenager
(who by the way was definitely punching) would even comment on any part of my body. My body is just one surely? A functional body. A body free from judgement that enjoys walking to the chip shop on a Friday night with her best pals to eat chips, rice and curry sauce. ( Still a firm favourite.)
In some ways I was lucky growing up. Free from social media pressures, I didn't feel my body had to look a certain way. I could live my best life with my Kodak camera in hand, taking unfiltered, unmastered photos and looking at them as a fond memory rather than focusing in that moment, on how I looked.
The thirty six years of living in this body and it's sure seen me through many a journey. From birthing two children to busting the best moves at 2am on a sticky dance floor, singing and dancing as if Beyonce had literally jumped inside my body. I've loved it at times for it's strength
(hello 9lb 11oz baby) but I've also really battled with it, something I've never truly admitted until I started training as a therapist.
A stylist and her dress size.
The real isolation between me and my body started after the birth of my first child back in 2016. I
had opened the flagship store of John Lewis in Birmingham heavily pregnant. ( I lost track on the amount of comments made whilst I was pregnant! Commenting on bodies is a different blog in itself!) After a very traumatic birth, I dedicated a huge amount of time to getting in shape. My mind was disciplining my body. It was telling it what it needed to do before going back to work in January 2017. The harsh reality was I was suffering from PTSD. I started having panic attacks as a result of birth trauma. I chose to disassociate my mind from my body as a sort of coping mechanism from the trauma of what my body had gone through. My body became a separate entity. The panic attacks, I believe were my body telling me to connect back to my mind and to be kinder to her.
I persevered. Don't get me wrong, exercise at that time, helped massively with my mental health
and focus . Exercise combined with not eating past 2pm, I started to noticeably lose weight. Cue the compliments. Losing over four stone in total, I was hungry all the time but I felt seen.
The perceived, the real and the ideal self.
During my practice as a therapist and seeing clients, we often talk about the ideal, the perceived and real self. The perceived ( how a person sees themselves and how others see them ) , the real ( how that person really is ) and the ideal ( how that person would like to be.) It's not uncommon for there to be a battle between the perceived and real self.
For me, it was all about being as slim as possible because the perceived self would think skinny = being a good stylist.
I felt I would be a better stylist if I was skinny. I was my worst critic. There was a real fear of judgement. My real self was hiding behind what my body should and ought to look like as a stylist. My real self having lost control during the delivery of my daughter, wanted to gain control. The interesting question I ask myself now ( having gone through therapy and training) is, who IS judging me? My perceived self is telling me that people are judging me for not being a size 10 stylist. But WHO is it that is actually judging me? I've since gained the four stone I lost and guess what.... I'm still getting client booking. Regardless of my size, clients trust my judgement and skill.
When I started this business I wanted it to represent how clothes make us feel. I wanted to bridge the gap between mind and body. For us to be more in tune with how our body is feeling and to nurture it through style. We know if we eat well, we feel nurtured. We know if we eat junk food we feel sluggish. Our body tells us how it feels. I now exercise purely for my mental health. For me its about being more aware of my body and trying to connect to it as much as possible. If I'm feeling a bit whack and out of sorts then why? I'm consciously trying not to over ride what my body is telling me. I had a fantastic nutritionist appointment who really focused on the wants and needs of my body. I found the exerpeince so profound. It really was a game changer when it came to connecting to my body.
I recently had a scan on my heart. Looking at the ultrasound I never felt so proud of my body and what she does for me. "Gosh that heart of mine is strong." Is it because I could see what my body was made to do? For sure I wasn't taking my body for granted or thinking how my body looks to the doctor. In that moment, I truly appreciated all she does for me There's nothing like being in the doctors or hospital to make you value what you have.
If I'm scrolling on Instagram and see another stylist with a washboard stomach living her best life, should it be a reason to punish my body? Do I instead recognise that I just need to get some bloody fresh air and accept the photo for what it is? The truth is, comparing is exhausting. Stay in my lane and focus on where I'm going and what my body is doing for me.
Social Media and Body Positivity
I've always found it interesting how there always has to be such a narrative to bodies. In particular women's. The body positivity movement has done so much for women embracing and accepting their unfiltered bodies. However I wouldn't say I've always been comfortable with the movement. I've had a look on grids of body positivity influencers and thought: "Are they telling us we need to feel amazing about our bodies every single day?" If someone is not a huge fan of their tummy, does that lead to a sense of shame when an influencer is telling them to "love it no matter what?" Some days I don't. I avoid jeans for this very reason. I don't want to be reminded that sometimes on a low day that I SHOULD be embracing my stretch marks and loving my tum. Why are we looking at positive and negative? Isn't listening to our body enough and understanding if it feels shit then why?
Who has told us that this is how we should look and more importantly feel?
Can we try connecting back to our bodies? If we feel crap then why? Is it because you had a glass of wine last night, the kids have been playing up this morning or you're late for work and that is why you're pissed off and to not punish our bodies as a result? As I say to all my clients...if you're feeling a bit meh.. dress for comfort. You've been listening to the latest Beyonce album? Great - tell your body that you're going for total sass vibes.
For so long I've worked against my body, it's time to start tuning in and listening to her needs.
Comments