Ironically, I wanted to post this three weeks ago. The blank page with nothing but the title has been sitting in my drafts since New Year. "How to manage self-care" - was going to be the premise of this post. How can I write about this when I'm in the middle of overloading myself with work? It just didn't feel the right time.
I noticed over the Christmas break that I wasn't managing very well with "having time off." Those who know me, know I like to be busy. And I do genuinely like being busy. However, last year I disregarded the warning signs of when to slow down and I carried on until I more or less burnt out. Come January, I accelerated myself; I had a big assignment to write, I decided to make over my daughter's bedroom, I was being my own accountant and filing my end of year tax returns, I was speaking to various organisations about upcoming style projects and we weren't even ten days into the New Year! And then I stopped.
Because I know the feeling of burn out all too well, I made a promise to myself towards the end of last year that things needed to change. I was getting sucked further into the vortex of social media; I was getting frustrated with my suggested feeds. I stopped being present and I started comparing my business to that of others. And honey - I sure didn't create Style | By... for me to be doing that. So I switched up my mindset.
Hustle, Hustle Hustle
Research Professor and author on Shame and Vulnerability Brene Brown has spoken about the importance of the little details in life. We often shame or diminish 'ordinary lives' or 'small lives'
until hardship happens in our own lives - and then we're craving for those ordinary moments.
“I wish I could have a conversation with my mother again” or “I wish I could pop round to my Grandmother's one last time and play scrabble with her.” (she always won) However, we're submerged in the hustle culture: 'fake it until you make it' mindset. We imagine we'll be happier once we reach 'the destination.' We know that's bullshit right? We get told all the time to be present but are we really appreciating the memories we're making every day? Brown says that due to trauma and pain in our lives, we've had to armour up and it often stops us being the people we truly want to be. Brown believes that curiosity can replace the armour (hands up who have been to therapy?) The place you can talk about who you really are and what you really want.
When you speak to others about lockdown, which lockdown do they usually say they preferred? If they had to? I guarantee over 90% of people would say the first. Do you remember the pace...not having to be anywhere because we couldn't be? My Instagram feed was full of memes from past and present colleagues, current and old school friends saying how much they appreciated the slower pace of life. We had a chance to take in what was around us. To be present. I remember loving what I was doing more. Building the brand at a pace I was satisfied with; being more present with my children. I became more disconnected from my phone and more connected to where I was actually living. Strolling around on my daily walk, being so grateful for my life. I didn't need to see another online retailer persuading me to buy another loungewear set. I was living my best life in the ones I had worn for the past week.
And now? Doesn't it feel the majority of our lives have gone back to normal? Our workload is starting to increase, social media is telling us to be angry and we should be living our best filtered lives again.
Is your attention span shrinking?
It was during a network meeting that I got talking to someone about the amount of time we spend on our phones. I get weekly reports that tell me how many hours a week I've spent on my phone. And every time, I told him I feel guilty. "I can't bare to look," he said. "I'd rather not know because I know it would be shockingly bad," as he looked down and swiped his thumb up to unlock his iPhone 13.
Johann Hari, Journalist and author of Stolen Focus wrote about what we can do to stop our attention being robbed in a world that wants all our focus all of the time.
I 'enjoyed' first lockdown more than I initially thought I would... Why? Because nobody was robbing me of my time or attention.
We're absorbing messages so quickly now. It's filtering through to our unconscious of how the world should be; and that's quick. I'm guilty of it. When I'm asked about my day, I very rarely say: 'I went for a lovely walk in the park or " I really appreciated the time I sat down and had a cuppa in quietness." If I'm honest - most of the time I'm too tired to talk about my day. (As I'm head down replying to a WhatsApp message chain.) I feel physically and mentally exhausted by 7pm. My phone communication is quick; Switching from my Instagram business account to my personal, to WhatsApp. (Thank Jesus I deleted TikTok.)
Someone once said Tik Tok is like Heroin. You open it up and you've lost an hour.
Your ability to achieve your goals diminishes if you're constantly being pulled away by your phone. Whether that be a good parent or achieving your career goals. If as a collective, we aren't present with people, then we can't form deep and meaningful relationships. Remember what Brene Brown said about the things that really matter? Those meaningful moments in time decrease and then the sense of "who am I?" gets lost.
Slow down.
There are now time limits on videos. What we're saying should be quick. Our information needs to be instant and concise. Social Media platforms are designed to keep us scrolling. Tik Tok is highly addictive because it's quick. It doesn't require our concentration. Activities that require us to use
our focus and attention: like reading a book are rapidly declining.
How can we be a country of innovation when we're drastically being stolen of our focus and attention says Hari? If we burn out and we only have a short attention span then how can we form opinions of our own? We have to fix our society and culture. Not just for innovation but for happiness.
Who do you follow? How does it make you feel?
Hands down one of the best things I did for myself was hitting that unfollow / mute button on people who made me feel or did the following:
1. They oversaturated my feed. (They posted too often.)
2. I felt annoyed, frustrated or angry by their posts.
3. Their posts weren't relevant to me.
4. I found myself complaining about their content.
5. I felt inferior or not good enough.
6. Their content was not consistent with who I am.
7. I didn't like what they represented.
8. I found myself comparing instead of enjoying their content.
Turn off and regain control.
Listen I'm not saying turn off from social media altogether. It has it's place. It's helped me reach my business to more people, I've formed new friendships (whom I actually meet in person) and I've supported small business that I wouldn't have known about had it not been for the power of social. But there are things you can do that will make a difference to how much social media controls your life.
1. Turn off the comments section - you'll seek less approval.
2. Turn off recommendations on Youtube - you're less likely fall down the rabbit hole - plus you'll feel more in control about what you actually want your focus to be on.
3. Meet friends! I know right? By having less online friendships we're regaining control.
4. Say in advance when you'll be switching off for the night and stick to it. Even if this means having your phone in a different room whilst you sleep. If you think you'll find it difficult not to quickly check WhatsApp before bed get a safe case for your phone. That way you can't physically get to your phone until the allotted time is up.
5. Turn off notifications - because is it really that urgent?
Social Media doesn't need to be this way. Hari explains - ever wondered why there isn't a 'meet up with a friend' button on Facebook? It could be easily created. The truth is the platform
doesn't want you to meet outside of your virtual reality because you wouldn't then be on Facebook; and as a result it loses money. Facebook's whole business model was how to hack your attention. It's the only way the business can work. And it's not just social. Netflix once famously said: "Our only competitor is sleep." They are continuously sending you recommendations to make you stay on their channel. (And boy does it work!)
There is literally nothing stopping you from meeting that person. It's your choice on how you communicate.
Regain your creative flow.
Deep meaningful attention is inside all of us according to Johann Hari. When we're in our creative flow state we can feel competent and we're in a good mental health place. We often get these moments when we're not distracted and feeling overwhelmed.
How to regain your flow:
1. Choose one goal. We can't be doing too many things at once.
2. Choose a goal that is meaningful to you.
3. Choose something that is at the edge of your abilities.
Being interrupted kills flow. Neuroscientists believe that we can only really focus on one thing at a time. I always get my creative ideas when I'm not working. I'm usually at the cinema or I'm taking a walk. I'm not switching between tasks, I'm not being distracted and I'm allowing my brain to switch off , my creative flow comes in.
Anger will keep you scrolling.
Did you know you get double the likes and shares if you share your anger on Facebook? . It was noted that people stare at something that's fuelled by anger longer online more than the do positive. So what do the social media platforms do? According to Hari they promote the negative press. Anger keeps you scrolling. What's ironic is the rants don't release anger. Instead it amps you up. Have you ever commented on something and then a difference of opinion has been shot back at you? You don't feel calmer. You feel amped up. Understanding social media and what it's trying to do can make a difference to habits. Because, as Hari says your consciousness will eventually represent that technology. So be selective.
Your bedtime routine.
Our sleep is deteriorating. My bedtime routine used to be shocking! Sometimes I'd sleep with my
phone under my pillow. It would be the first thing I'd reach for in the morning. I would work until after midnight then wonder why I couldn't switch my brain off then I'd take herbal medication open an app to help me sleep. I now promise myself to have a bedtime routine. Every night. Here are the things you could consider:
1. What does your bedside table look like? Is there tech next to the bed? Is it a calming place? I keep things next to my bed that will make me look forward to getting into bed. I have a hand care and skin care next to mine along with my thought journal.
2. Invest in a thought journal. Reflecting on your day is great for our mental health. We can often say we've had a crap day - but writing it down and reflecting on it can give us more of an overview and can bring certain thoughts to light.
3. Be mindful about what social media you're on before bed. I think I've covered that one.
4. 5 long deep breaths in and out with your eyes closed.
5. If you suffer from insomnia / anxiety think about your favourite place to be. I work with people who suffer from anxiety and explain to them this could be any place; from your bedroom to your favourite holiday destination. Explore your senses when you’re at that place. What can you hear? What smells and tastes can you experience? It distracts the brain from thinking anxious thoughts or feelings.
"Happiness is a choice."
Mo Gawdat, was the chief business officer for 'Google X' and has co founded over twenty businesses. He's also the author of the amazing book 'Solve for Happy.' When his son died, it sent Mo on an incredible journey to find the 'equation for happiness;' a technique that can make us happier and appreciate our life. I first heard of Mo Gawdat during lockdown; when he was a guest on the amazing podcast: "How to fail" by Elizabeth Day. I was in awe. Mo believes that happiness is a choice. This can be a hard statement to accept. How can he believe this when he lost his son? Well, Mo believes that you will never be happy if you're waiting for life to correct itself.
Life is hard - but it's how we deal with it. We have a choice. We want to change our body? We exercise. We can physically see the change. We want to mentally change our perception? We have to also put practices in place.
Run a kindness activity once a day.
So how do we practice changing our frame of mind? We have to exercise it, just like our body. Mo believes in practising an activity of kindness once a day. Do this every day? Your brain will thank you for it. It can be easier to be negative rather than positive. Social Media feeds us anger, TV / News broadcast negative press and storylines. I stopped watching EastEnders years ago (having been an avid watcher for 20 years) because the storylines were exhausting to watch. Everything was depressing. I've stopped watching news. (Funny considering I trained as a journalist - and I hated the news then!) I need to know what I need to know. I don't know what the latest COVID figures are and nor do I need to know. I know the government guidelines and that's fine. I need to know no more. I do need to protect my mental health. That is what's important.
When we're feeling our happiness is being compromised - Mo believes we can ask ourselves the following:
1 Is what we're thinking true?
2. Can I do something about it? Sometimes we can't do anything about a situation. Loss, grief but we can accept it despite of its presence.
You can purchase Mo's book 'Solve for Happy' here.
Find the therapy that's right for YOU.
A question I get asked a lot when talking to anyone about therapy is: “Do you have to just sit there and talk?”
Well, talking is a part of it. As a person centred therapist we believe that you hold your own answers and by having a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings, you’ll discover your
answers at a pace that you’re comfortable with. That’s not to say that person centred is for everyone. CBT is used by the NHS and can be very effective. Art therapy or walking therapy can be really useful for those who would prefer to be doing something whilst exploring issues.
Remember you are the one in control of your therapy.
To find a therapist near you or to explore more options
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